[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.