Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.