Nothing to do, you say?
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
why am I working on Labor Day
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.