Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I bet
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
technically true but not a great slogan
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.