Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Florida man
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it