My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Close call…
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
This kid will have a bright future.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu