Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
You Might Also Like
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!