[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
inside you are two wolves
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”