3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day