“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice