Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”