I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I never needed anything more in my life
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.