There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I hate everything
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
are there any atheist mantises?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.