“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS