ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Selfie
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Okay
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha