I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
You Might Also Like
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”