I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.