[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
You Might Also Like
Happy Friday
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.