Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
You Might Also Like
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
HELP 😭
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you