I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
So, can we agree on 4 or
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.