Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
@funTweeters
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My hips? Compulsive liars.