what day is it?
You Might Also Like
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: