If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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My work here is don’t.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
True?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.