I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
How to properly lift a body
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.