“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You Might Also Like
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.