The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out