Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk