[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself