I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.