Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
oh my gosh!!
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk