I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I know
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”