*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
You Might Also Like
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage