Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”