Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
WHO DID THIS?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.