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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
channeling her this year
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
(2022)
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.