Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Guys, I found it.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip