You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Print is alive and well!!!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.