Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.