Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The game has officially changed 😎
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work