My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple