I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I need a headline like this
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*