I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo