I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?