trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English