Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.