STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW