i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You Might Also Like
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents