*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Bill is short for Billiam
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.