instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia