just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.